16 March 2010

Bipolar much?

Hey guys and dolls!

As you may have noticed, I've been on blog hiatus for a good bit....I can't even remember the last time I wrote an entry on here. So, I guess I'll start out with what I've been up to.
Well, I've nearly killed myself with school. I don't give a shit anymore about it. I don't see a point in anything they are trying to teach me. It just doesn't matter anymore. Sure, people say it's just senioritis, but nothing going on in that school that I am being forced by my mother to attend matters to me. I mean, when I look at how I want my life to go, I can't see any of what they are teaching me being applied anywhere in my life.
Second, I've been reevaluating my life, friends, stuff like that, and I've come to the conclusion that as much as I love my friends and I want them to be my friends forever (does that happen? because I really want it to), I feel that sometimes I can't let go of the security blanket. I mean, I love my friends too dearly, sometimes, I don't even think they realize it. I would do absolutely anything for them. But, I feel that my selflessness towards them puts me at a disadvantage.
Third, I've also come to the conclusion that no matter how confident I act (yes, people, it is all a ruse), I will always be my self conscious, overanalyzing self. Yes, I will always think someone is lying to me when they say I'm pretty. Why the hell would I believe someone else when I don't believe it when I look at myself in the mirror? Yes, I will always think people are judging me. I'm not selfcentered, I'm just always judging myself.
Fourth, as many times as I have said that I have given up on relationships, every time I say that, it is a LIE. I will continue to try no matter how many people reject me. It's not like the world ends when someone rejects me, that happens every day. But, I've learned to accept it.

I've started a collab channel on YouTube with my friends Cydney and Alec. We are the Audio Addicts. We rant about music and all that goodness. We kinda have a competition going: who knows more unknown music (yes, i know that's an oxymoron). So far, according to our last tally, Alec is winning. but then again, we haven't done a tally in 4 or 5 videos......so, who knows. Also, I just had an awesome week. I got a new best friend (Alex) and I got one of my old best friends back (Sam). Pretty damn stoked about that. So yeah.......I can't think of anything else to write. Sorry for the depressing spillage of my insight earlier. Won't happen again (that's a bold faced lie)


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